


Dust and Dwarrows

by Notactuallyfunctional



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Awkwardly written fluff, BAMF!Bilbo, Based on a story I read 10+ years ago (I think it was a manga), Bilbo has no chill, Blood and Violence, Cowboy!Thorin, M/M, Neither do bad guys, Wild West, but only minor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:06:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22800697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notactuallyfunctional/pseuds/Notactuallyfunctional
Summary: Bilbo and Dis need a hand on their ranch and three travelling trouble makers might just be who can save them.Set in a town too small to be found on a map let alone policed by anyone other than a corrupt sheriff Bilbo needs help if he’s going to keep Dis safe. After all he’s not a fighter maybe what he needs is... a cowboy.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Dust and Dwarrows

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter as a test for this story; I don’t even know if anyone wants this let alone if it’s any good. 
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think.

"God dammit!" He grunted as he tugged at the carts wheel. "It's not bloody budging!"

A tired horse hitched to the cart looks on with interest as the frustrated young man kicks the offending wheel. 

\---

Three men ride down what was more a glorified track than a road. 

"Gee kili you're great at cards but why'd you play that guy?" The blonde man asks leaning in the saddle to squint at the young man riding beside him. "Instead of paying up he tossed the table and pulled a gun on us!"

The brunett Kili tugged his hat lower and glared back at the blond. 

"You’re terrible at reading people!" The blond continued obviously exasperated. 

The previously silent third man with long black hair bound away from his face riding slightly ahead of the other two turned around in the saddle gripping his hat and gritting his teeth. 

"Will ya quit complainin!" He barked out. "You've been at it for hours! And just look at yourself Fili you fight like a twitter patted girl!"

"So what's it to ya?" The blonde, Fili, bared his teeth. 

"Well next time I won't save your hide will I?"

Fili muttered darkly while Kili laughed quietly into his hand. 

"Cmon if Thorin wasn't there they’rda shot us down!" Fili glared over at Kili at his comment ready to start an argument again. 

"Enough you two."

\---

Earlier that day:

The bar was a dank, dark, dusty hell hole like all the others in the west. 

Fili and kili sat at a table across from a man in a bowler hat. Kili laid down a winning hand and grinned over his shoulder to his brother.  
"Give it up boys," the man across from them smiled a slimy version of a grin. "Don't even try."  
Suddenly five men stretched out behind him guns in previously empty hands. All aimed at the two men barely out of their teens. 

"Damn you, cheater!" Kili pushed up from the table ready to throttle the greasy man. 

Thorin got there first. Quicker than an adder he drew his gun and held it up under the slime balls chin. He pulled back the hammer with a threatening click. 

"Throw down your guns or the boss gets it" he snarls at the room. "Cmon buddy. You lost fair and square. Hand over the money."

His gun shoved a little harder into the mans sweaty neck.

For a tense moment no one moved then the captive man growled. 

"Pay em!"

A small leather bag was thrown to Kili across the room. He caught it easily. 

"Get the horses ready" Thorin commands them. 

"I'm impressed by ya guts kid," the man mutters to Thorin gun still at his throat. "Dammed stupid but impressive."

"I'm impressed by that bald scalp of yours," Thorin quips. "So shiny I can see myself."

Thorin moves the man around as he backs towards the saloon doors; the boss's body between him and the rest of the room. As soon as he hears Fili calling out to him he pushes the big man forward. 

Although not hard enough as the man turns around with surprising agility and moves to grab Thorin.  
The black haired young man smirks easily and pulls back his fist for what connects and becomes a beautiful punch straight across the jaw. 

"How about we use that barrel body to block the door."

With that last comment Thorin mounts his horse and the three flee the town. 

\---

"Cmon Fili," the Kíli wheedled. "You've got to admit it was good fun! And we got the money!"

"So much fun." Fili replied sarcasm dripping from his tongue; he inspected the money bag before throwing it at Kili’s head. "You idiot! That's his medicine bag!"

"What?" Kili screeched clutching at his saddle. "It's not my fault there were guns!" 

"Your the one who can't tell the difference between a pill pouch and a money bag!" 

"Will you stop fighting?!" Thorin turned in the saddle and tossed something at the younger men. 

"Is that?" Kili leant over in towards the blonde.

"A wallet!" Fili opened it with greedy hands. "And look more money on it than you would have won from the fat baldy!"

"You picked his pocked?" Kili pulled at his shirt as if in pain. "You are too damn cool Thorin!" 

\---

Hearing the bickering voices and clopping of horseshoes Bilbo Baggins turned from his stuck cart with interest glancing further back along the road where a commotion could be heard. Not many came this way and no one might come by again for a long while. 

Hearing a gunshot from ahead made his mind for him; he dashed around the bend back to the bickering voices. 

For a moment he is struck by what he's sees: Three Cowboys. The raven haired one in the lead looking back over his broad shoulders to his grinning at the two behind. The lace up shirt and tight pants exposing a lean body. 

"Help!" He exclaimed to hide his sudden blush. "There's a hold up ahead on the road!" 

The three riders pulled their horses to a stop and stared at the short soft man. 

"That's too bad," the lead man smirked. "why should we help them? It's not our problem." 

"Yeah there's no point putting ourselves in danger." Added the blonde. 

"Uh that's true" Bilbo glanced back over his shoulder. 

He looked back as the three men turned their horses to go back the way they came. 

"Losers!" His mouth moved before his brain could interfere. A common occurrence. "Cowards. Soft bellied wusses!" 

"That's it I'll shoot you!" The black haired one turned with a snarl. 

But Bilbo was no longer there. He'd stepped up to the brown haired one; slipped his gun from the holster and ran back towards the sounds of fighting. 

"After him!" 

Bilbo dashed forwards as fast as he could dodging into the underbrush. 

\--- 

The coach was surrounded. Dust kicked up clouding the air. 

A woman's sobbing could be heard from inside the coach as a gun fires. They are helplessly outnumbered and out gunned. 

\---

Bilbo had never actually shot a gun in his life. That was unheard of in the wilds of the west. Even ten year old girls have shot guns before. Let alone an eighteen year old man. 

He sighed and held it the way he'd seen others do carefully pointing it at the thickest cluster of bodies. 

He squeezed the trigger and was jolted onto his rump by the shock. 

Looking up desperately he saw his bullet had hit one of the men in the shoulder. Not a kill but enough that the bandits now turned his way. 

"Oh bother." Pulling the gun up again he was jerked backward and behind a nearby rock just as bullets plowed into the ground where he'd been sitting. 

The back haired man lifted his head and glanced at the riders ahead. 

Muttering to himself and snatching the gun from Bilbo the back haired cowboy threw it over to the brunet.

"Kili! Here!"

A quick succession of shots were fired back and forth until the bandits started swearing. 

"Damnit we got no cover! Retreat!" The yell was shared and horses turned. "Retreat!"

Bilbo sighed in relief and clapped the cowboy on the shoulder. 

"Well done!"

"What the hell were you thinking? If we didn't come sa-!" He spluttered to a stop. "You planned that!"

"Yep," Bilbo got up dusting off his pants. "I had a hunch you were good guys."

"-!" The cowboy made a strangled noise as the other two laughed. 

"And look they are getting out of the coach now," Bilbo pointed to the man in a smart suit stepping into the dust. "Looks rich. Maybe he'll give us a reward!"

The man approached them and they introduced themselves. He thanked them profusely offering them a reward. 

"You saved us!" The man exclaimed clutching his hat to his chest. "I was on my way to buy cattle when they attacked! Thank you!" 

He waved as he strode back to his coach. 

"Well that went well!" Fili exclaimed leading them back to their horses. They'd left them a safe distance away. 

The three mounted up without a second glance at Bilbo.

"Um my wagons stuck back down the road. Would you mind helping me?" Bilbo pointed back where he'd come from. "It's just past the fork in the road when I first saw you."

The three men shared a glance then looked down on the unassuming young man. 

"Nope." Replied Thorin. 

"Nah uh," added fili

"No chance. " finished Kili

Bilbo narrowed his eyes before letting out a tired sigh. 

"Hey it's your fault you used up all our good will on these people." Kili nodded behind him at the coach that was already leaving. "You used up our good deed for the day."

"So long." Fili nodded tugging his hat. 

Bilbo scowled and climbed onto a boulder edging the bush around the road. 

Waving a hand holding a black wallet he grinned at them. "I guess you won't be needing this them?" He hopped of the rock and dashed through the bush running towards his cart. 

\--- 

The only choice Thorin had was to follow the infuriating man. He had their money.  
And so he found Fili and himself lifting each side of the cart as Kíli lead the horse forward; releasing the trapped wheel. He still wasn't sure how Bilbo had roped them into it but he was sure the man had a silver tongue. 

"There," he patted the side of the cart. "Now give us our money back and we'll never have to see each other again!" 

"Okay. Here's your reward!" Bilbo threw the wallet at Thorin and clambered into the drivers seat. "Finally I'll be able to get to town." 

Ignoring Kilis muttered "it was our money!" Thorin walked up to the drivers seat on the cart to talk a last time to Bilbo. 

"So your going to town alone?"

"Of course I am!" He realised he'd said the wrong thing as Bilbos eyes narrowed and his tone turned frosty. "I might be weak but I'm not a woman you know!"

Thorin shook his head in amusement at the quicksilver temper; usually he was the one who got angry quickly. 

Bilbo sighed temper already cooling. "I guess since we are going the same way I'll see you in town." He didn't sound particularly excited about it. 

"Oh no way!" Thorin grinned. He enjoyed the banter. "We've had enough of doing your bidding thank you! Next time we see you we'll run!"

Bilbo rolled his eyes. 

"Right. Whatever. Just don't go against anyone in town ok?" He looked directly at Thorin raising an eyebrow as he seemed to consider him. "You look the type to never back down from a fight; this time let it go." 

Thorin just grunted in reply as he mounted his horse. Fili and Kíli followed suit. They moved their horses into a walk. 

"Be careful. Some of the men in town have powerful people backing them!" Bilbo called as they left. 

Thorin raised a hand in acknowledgment and spurred his horse into a canter.  
After a while Fili spoke up. 

"He was actually quite brave for someone who couldn't fight."

"Yeah. I doubt I would have asked strangers for help if I were him." Kili pondered.

But it's not like we'll see him again, Thorin thought to himself. 

\--- 

Bilbo clicked his old pony into a walk fiddling with the reins idly. 

"You know myrtle I think they were good people. Not at all like wild Cowboys you hear stories about." He looked ahead along the road they'd taken eyes unfocused. "We could use people like them on our ranch."

\---

The store Bilbo entered already had two men arguing with Mr Gamgee the grocer. 

"Put it our tab!" A blonde man swiped a pack of smokes from the bench. Leaning heavily on his friend they stomped out of the shop. Ignoring the owners pleas. 

"But you haven't paid your tab from last time!" the door slammed in his face and mr. Gamgee noticed his audience. "Ah mr Bilbo. Didn't see you there."  
He mopped at his brow before rushing back to his counter. 

"Here's the list Hamfast I'll be back in a few minutes ok?" Bilbo slapped a list down on the counter and strode out of the general store Hamfast Gamgee watching a little confused by the unusually abrupt behaviour. 

Bilbo followed as the two men, already drunk at noon, headed into the saloon. He found a dark corner and waited as they grabbed a bottle of rum and headed to a table. They set up a game of cards and had a haze of smoke surrounding them almost instantly. 

Bilbo waited looking bored until they got into a fight. 

"You cheated!"

"I never!" The first man, the blonde, slurred grabbing the other by the scarf around his neck. "You callin' me a crook?" 

Bilbo sidled alongside the men and kicked his foot out without breaking stride. 

"You kicked me!"

"I never!" 

The blonde threw the other man to the floor knocking over the table and hitting another drunk patron in the process. 

What proceeded after was a thing of beauty to Bilbo’s mind. So many men itching to fight. The whole bar became a mess of limbs and cussing as the fighting spread. Tables overturned and glasses smashed and others entered the melee.

Bilbo turned his path back towards the door stopping unnoticed by the table the men began fighting at and leant down idly to pick something up. He made his way out of the saloon without any notice or being dragged into any fights. It was a skill he cultivated; being so boring and plain he was practically a piece of the background.

Once outside he stood for a moment to breathe out the tension. It was always a risk that next time he'd be dragged into a fight. Luckily it wasn't this time. 

Something caught his eye as he was about to cross the street to the general store. There was a wanted poster up at the sheriffs office. 

This one a full colour painting of a man. Bright blue eyes, a mass of blonde hair and a scar from brow to cheekbone. The Gold King. Wanted. Reward. $5,000! 

The reward gave him little pause although it was a lot of money. More the image seemed familiar. Although he couldn't place it. 

Shrugging he went back to the store to hand the money over to Hamfast. 

"Here," he plopped the bag of money on the counter with no fanfare. "This should cover what those men took."

Hamfast opened the bag eyebrows climbing in shock. "More than! Are you sure it's ok?" 

Bilbo waved dismissively; "They don't know I took it or that you have it. Consider it fair play."

"Well if you’re sure," Hamfast slid the bag under the counter and moved to help Bilbo with the bags of flour and vegetables. "I guess it's ok and no charge for your groceries." 

"If you're sure," Bilbo smirked as they loaded up his cart. "Guess it's their good deed for the day."

Hamfast laughed good-humouredly. "Now where's Dis today? Didn't want her to come to town with you?" 

"No it's too dangerous for her to come!" Bilbo scoffed. "There's a lot of bad people in town and that Master slimeball is always after her!"

"Oh Bilbo it's Slimball." Hamfast tutted. "You know people disappear for talking bad about him don't you!"

"Well Dis is too beautiful," Bilbo shrugged. "It's too dangerous." 

"I think your tongue is more dangerous," Hamfast muttered. "You remember the last man that talked bad about slimeball; sheriff said suicide but-" he sighed deeply. "You wouldn't remember but the town used to be peaceful and law abiding. Before Master Slimball bought the bigger ranches up. And the crimes started; people saying it was the men working on slimballs ranches. And he's got the sherrif on his payroll no doubt."

Hamfast sighed sadly. 

"What's become of our home."

\----

Fili and kili were fighting again. Well not fighting more bickering. Thorin watched them bored; making sure they didn't get into an actual fight with any of the townspeople. 

Shots sounded followed by laughter. Thorin whirled hand going to his holster. 

Down the street four drunk men dressed like drovers were tossing bottles in the air and shooting at them. The people around them moved on hastily; a common occurrence then.

Thorin walked up to the sheriff who was leaning on his nearby office wall smoking. 

"Aren't you gonna do something before someone gets shot?" He asked with a wave towards the men. 

"Are you tellin me how to do my job?" The sheriff glared at Thorin before going back to his cigaret. "Ain't no harm. Now piss off." 

"Right," Thorin cast a weary glance at the sheriff and jerked his head towards the nearby saloon. Fili and kili finished hitching the horses to the post and hurried after him. They stopped under the eve glancing between the sheriff and the drunken display disgust written plainly on their faces. 

"This town is pretty unlawful," he scratched at the stubble on his chin. "probably a bigger power behind it too." 

"That's why I told you not to get into fights here." A voice sounded from the shadows between buildings. 

The three taller men blinked and turned away. 

"So we gonna stay or move on?" Fili asked turning to look at the street. Ignoring any shorter spluttering men. 

"Too much trouble here," Kili agreed subtly checking his gun. 

Thorin nodded and the three stepped off the veranda intent on returning to their horses. 

"Wait!" Bilbo jumped in front of them. "It's best if you don't-" 

He was cut off as a window shattered in the saloon.  
The three Cowboys spun around reaching for guns.

A voice behind them muttered "that fight escalated quickly"

"What?" Thorin glared suspiciously at the shorter man. 

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

The sheriff shoved open the double doors yelling at the fighter to stop.

"Huh so that sheriff can do his job," Kili commented sullenly. 

"That's because it's slime balls saloon," Bilbo replied disinterestedly picking his nails. 

The four stepped back into the shadows as a group of riders approached; a large bald man in the lead. He pulled himself down from his horse with obvious effort and barged into the people now crowding the street at the commotion. 

"I'm looking for Master Fry Slimball! Where is he?" He glared at the general crowd of faces before continuing. "He is a special friend of mine." 

"If you wait in the saloon sir," a timid voice answers from the crowd. "It's his and he usually shows up in the afternoon." 

The bald man shoves his way inside followed by his group of followers. 

"Great more shady people entering our town," Bilbo mutters to himself watching the doors swing close. 

"Ah ah ah be careful of what you say young man," a gentle voice chides from behind Bilbo and a comforting hand lands on his shoulder. "God is with us. Have patience and we will be led to the righteous path."

With another pat on the shoulder the priest wandered back up the street towards the church whose steeple was just visible. 

Bilbo glanced around and noticed the three cowboys standing deeper in the shadows watching through a window as the baldy ordered around the people inside.

The scene through the window was a normal one. The sheriff was desperately trying to find who caused the trouble as the bald man bossed the workers around. Anyone with connections treated the others like slaves.

All commotion stopped as the doors swung open and a middle aged man in a well cut suit swept into the room scowl firmly in place. He started issuing orders as he looked around the ruined saloon.

"Find out who started this and make them pay for damages," two goons peeled off the group with a nod and master Slimball noticed the fat man waiting for him. "Ah Azog. Come join me for a drink."

The two headed up the stairs like old friends. 

"So he's the master of this town?" Fili turned to look at Bilbo. 

"Yes."

"Unlawful and undisputed leader?" Kili asked voice dejected. 

"'Fraid so."

"And that baldy, Azog, is the one we fought with." Thorin sighed heavily. "So we're screwed."  
Bilbo grinned with malicious glee. "It seems so doesn't it."

Before he could say anything else a head stuck out of the second story window and a gun went off. 

"Get those bastards!" Azog yelled waving his gun. "Those three stole my money! Get them!"  
As the three ran Thorin acted on impulse and dragged Bilbo with them; gone from the scene before Azog could get out the front door. 

"Find them! The black haired one, the blond and the brunette!" Azog screamed as he came down the stairs. A group of thugs followed Azog outside to where the four men had been standing; they stopped looking at the splashes of blood on the ground. "I hit one of them! They can't have gone far!"

The group fanned out onto the street passing around Bilbo’s cart in their search for the three Cowboys. Bilbo grabbed an apple out of one of the bags in his cart bed and whistled as he headed for the town limits. A sudden commotion and thundering hooves sounded going in the opposite direction; Bilbo glanced back at the cloud of dust in the distance. 

An hour after leaving the town he glanced back yet again into his cart and called out.

"It's safe now; they aren't following us." Bilbo threw a second apple core into the roadside bush.  
"How's your leg?" 

"Fine. Hurts." Kili threw back the blanket covering him and grimaced at Bilbo. "Where's Fili and Thorin?" 

"Don't worry they are being decoys," Bilbo plucked at the blood on his sleeve. "Don't worry I gave them directions to our Ranch."


End file.
